As everyone in the Rust Belt area knows, the Great Lakes are totally overrun with giant Vikings. In fact, here’s a picture I took the last time I was at Lake Erie. I grew up right next to a big freaking lake, and we never – not once – ever misplaced Lake Erie. What we’re saying is, if you misplace something more frequently than, say, your sunglasses, you probably shouldn’t infuse it with the power to save the world. Go and find something big and kind of immobile, like a mountain or a Soviet tank, and enchant that with your magic powers. That’s not the kind of magic you should just carelessly shove into a staff or whatever else you happen to have lying around.

As soon as it gets lost or stolen, everything just goes straight to hell, and this is especially true since the power in question is almost always something like creating order from chaos or preventing the end of the world. We’ve been over this before, but this is exactly why imbuing magical powers into small objects is generally a bad idea. Either way, the landscape has turned into some kind of messed up version of the Oregon Trail and it’s up to you to fix it.

Or else they’re attacking covered wagons… it’s kind of hard to tell. By which I mean chaos – all the other lords are in open rebellion, roving groups of monsters wander the land, and packs of wolves are crossing the plains in covered wagons. This is of the utmost importance, because without the staff, the land has descended into its natural state. In King’s Bounty, you play the role of a hero charged with retrieving the Staff of Order on behalf of the noble King So-Unimportant-His-Name-Hardly-Appears-Anywhere.

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